This BLOG dedicated to transforming shyness into wholeness and happiness.


Why are you shy? Perhaps your shyness is guiding you to someone and some things more wonderful than you can imagine. Maybe you are destined for deeper understanding, meaningful work, and mutually compassionate relationships.

Shyness Transformation

Imagine going from someone too shy to purchase a book on shyness; too shy to have a successful job interview; too shy to ask for someone’s phone number; too shy to attend social activities; too shy to go on dates --- to someone who looks others in the eye; finds rewarding, interesting, and creative work; travels internationally; finds their partner in life; finds happiness and joy in the world; and even speaks to large groups of people on occasion.

My journey led me to discover the Principles that Transform Shyness. Applying these principles leads to a Process of Understanding Shyness. Living the principles and following a process allows The Secret and Ways of Transforming Shyness to work for you when you most need some help.

Audience

If you are interested in personal growth, change, and transformation then you are in the right place! This site is written for those who have already worked on their shyness (social anxiety, insecurity, quietness) --- perhaps making progress only to experience a setback; perhaps not finding solutions that worked; perhaps not yet creating the happiness they seek. Having personal experience working on your shyness gives you the foundation for understanding and applying the information on this site.

Source

The Shy and Free site contains both original content and links to useful web sites. The source of the original material on this site is direct experience and is not from any particular philosophy, psychology, religion, or spirituality. Occasionally there will be a reference or quote from someone when the source of an important learning is remembered. More often, the lessons were gifts from others, taken in, combined with other learning through experience. Additional web resources and some of the influences of this site can be found on the Resources page.

Truth

The truth present on this site has the power to spark the truth that is already in your heart, mind, and soul and one spark is enough to light the fire of transformation.

The solution to your shyness may not be what you expect

The solution to your shyness may not be what you expect (if it were, you would have already found the answer).

Moving toward happiness

Moving toward something will bring you success and happiness. Trying to get rid of something only keeps you stuck. You could spend a lifetime answering the questions "How can I overcome my shyness?" and "What causes shyness?" While this would be an interesting exploration, nothing would change.

You get what you resist. What you resist you get because personal change does not happen through opposition.

What is the point to all the struggle?

Shyness leads to self-consciousness which leads to consciousness which leads to freedom.

shyness => self-consciousness => consciousness => freedom.

Until we are free, we can experience much pain. When asked what to do with all the pain the poet Rilke said "Feel it and keep moving because you deserve to be happy".

The point of the struggle and pain is to discover the courage to really love yourself and others . . . to be Shy and Free.

Change

What part of you wants to change? It can’t be shy part because its purpose is to protect you. If it is not the shy part that wants to change, then there must be others parts of you yearning to be set free.

Change occurs when you can recognize the shy part of you and, at the same time, the other parts. Being totally identified with the shy part is extremely painful. The shy part can’t see how not to be shy, only the other parts of yourself can.

The more you try to change or get rid of your shyness, the more your shyness is reinforced. The more you are in touch with other parts or yourself, the freer you are to express the whole you and experience changes in your life.

The Many Parts of You

We all are made up of many parts (sub-personalities, tendencies, gifts, talents, etc.). Shyness is just one part of you. While shyness may be leading you now, what about all the other parts? Do you remember moments of adventure, curiosity, courageousness, creativity, or joy? These memories could be recent or from childhood and show that you are much more than your shyness.

Good and Bad?

There are not good and bad parts of you, all parts of you are acting/performing in your best interest. Part of your journey is to discover what good each part is trying to do for you. Understanding the shy part can direct you to happiness and finding your true purpose in life once you truly learn to listen non-judgmentally

Finding the Real You

What is the real you? How much of your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and understanding comes from your parents, your culture, your past experience? What beliefs do you hold that are self and life affirming? What beliefs do you hold that are judgmental and critical?

Is part of you yearning to be free of the past and be fully present now? Is the real you the center of all these parts? What would happen if the real you were in touch with all the parts of yourselF?

What Is Shyness?

Have you ever watched The Rugrats? Maybe you've noticed something about Chuckie Finster, the redheaded kid. There are times when Chuckie does not like to play in the sandbox with other kids. Chuckie is shy. Lots of kids and adults are shy. Maybe you are one of them.

What Is Shyness?

Shyness means to feel a little scared when you're around other people. Just about everybody feels shy sometimes. If you're the new kid in class or your great-aunt Betty wants to give you a big hug, it can make you feel shy.

Nobody sits around and says, "Well, I think I'll be shy today." It is just something that happens. It can just sneak up on you. You might feel fine practicing your soccer kicks, but you feel nervous when the coach comes over to give you a few pointers.

But being shy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's OK if it takes you a while to feel comfortable with new people and new situations. In fact, it can even be helpful to be a little shy. When you're shy, you may spend a little extra time observing the scene before jumping right into it. And you're unlikely to talk to strangers, which you shouldn't do anyway!

What Causes Shyness?

Some kids are born shy and more sensitive. Sometimes even babies act shy. Have you ever seen a baby hide his or her face from a stranger? On the other hand, another baby might kick, smile, and wave at everyone, even strangers.

But if you weren't shy as a little kid, it's still possible to be a shy person. You might have learned to be shy because of experiences you've had at school or home. And sometimes you only feel shy for a short while, like the first time you get on a new school bus. This type of shyness often goes away after you get adjusted. For instance, after a few days, you'll probably have a seat you like to sit in and you'll get to know friends on the bus.

Can Shyness Be Serious?

Sometimes, people become so shy they are afraid to do simple things in life. For example, they won't go to a restaurant because they are too nervous to order and pay for their food. Some people are so shy about meeting new people that they rarely go outside. Doctors and psychologists often can help the person work through this kind of shyness.

If your shyness is keeping you from doing stuff you want to do, talk to someone about it. Parents, teachers, counselors, and doctors are all good people to turn to. Talking about your shyness may help you get over it. Or your friends or parents may tell you that they, too, have the same shy feelings and what they do to feel less shy. If you still feel really shy, your mom or dad might take you to see a psychologist. He or she can help you figure out how to feel more at ease around people.

If you know someone who's shy, try to help the person feel less nervous. Name-calling or teasing will make your friend feel even more shy, so try not to do it. The more time you spend with the person, the less shy he or she will feel around you. You might even tell him or her about a time that you felt shy. It will help your friend to understand that everyone feels shy sometimes, even you!

Why Shy People Don't Talk

Here is one story...why shy people dont talk....

A group of best friends are sitting at a round table in a restaurant. They're discussing a hot topic. One of the friends is sitting in the corner not talking. Most people would say this friend is timid, inhibited, and/or passive.

They would label this friend, "shy."

However, couldn't this friend be someone who is tired of talking when no one is listening?

Couldn't this friend be someone who has no need to prove their knowledge of the subject matter?

Couldn't this friend be sympathetic enough not to insult the intelligence of others?

Listen

People don't listen. It's rare for one to speak before another breaks through one's sentence with a rebuttal. If, by chance, one gets a complete thought out, others hear the words but only absorb parts that suit them.

Shy people hate to talk in vain. They would rather use the time and energy for constructive things and constructive people.

Learn

People talk a lot so everyone thinks they're intelligent. For them, it's never enough to know they are intelligent. They must prove it.

Shy people are content knowing they are intelligent, and have no need to prove their intelligence. They wonder if other's mouths get tired of babbling on about things. Their ears get tired of listening to the babble.

Understand

Ever hear of the phrase, "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all?" This is the motto of all shy people.

They would rather be silent instead of using demure insults or obscene language to get their point across.

Conclusion

So, you see, shy people have been misunderstood for decades. The next time a shy person is quiet, ask them, "What are you really thinking?" They may answer truthfully. They may answer with "nothing," in keeping with their motto. After this revelation, don't you wish you were shy?